Yo Mama!

Hi Karen,

This is interesting. The word "blog" has popped up on occasion in the last few months and it has remained a mystery, even as I write this now, which makes it titillatingly delightful:)...

I fully understand what you mean when you say you feel like life is passing you by if you aren't writing about it. I find that when I know I'll be writing about my day, throughout the day I am thinking of how I will relate each salient piece of it. It renders me far more observant and sharper-eyed for the nuances to things, shades to emotions, shades to my thoughts on things. I'm writing much more now, which is nice. I've also got a series of articles about the differences between "black consciousness" in America and in Britain up my sleeve, and a screenplay and a host of other things waiting to fall from my head when I give them the time of day...

The funny things about easily falling out of things is that I don't think that necessarily says anything about how much a part of you those things were or are still. I'll always think of you as a painter/drawing/writing lady, and I think whether you actually do those things or not you will always be. There were moments I worried that maybe the the distance I had grown from writing last year meant that the closeness I had with it was a youthful, passing piece of self. But it was only worry, not truth.

Thank you for the birthday wishes: ) The day was not so nice. I'm sure you've had birthdays that simply passed, largely unremarkable but for the profound fact of the blessing of another of your years gone and another begun. I really wanted it to be "special" somehow, for it to at least feel remarkable but the more I wanted it, the more it felt extra-ordinary. I suppose after last year's surprise party and other birthday events, this year was bound to pale somewhat: ) lol. All the same my 24 came and for that I am thankful and humbled.
I hear that Dodd is sending you a copy of our interview. He says we "ripped on SPS," which I don't recall in exactly the same way. I'm a little worried now about how far this interview record will go! It's like underground SPS revolution manna--or not, you know, we'll see how it came out. haha!

Things are going well here in London with Charlene. She continues to surprise. I've always been astounded by her brilliance but now I am astounded by her self-awareness, her growing love of self. Before I went to New York in September I felt that the next step in our collective evolution needed to be her coming to terms with herself, getting to know herself in a way she didn't. However, it's hard to tell someone you're romantically with that they need to be alone. As it happened, she got to be alone while we were together. She is so much calmer than before. I hadn't realized how much I didn't trust her until I got my time alone and understood the myriad of ways I had come to not be as open with her as I think it is my nature to be. As that changed (still a work in progress) she was hurt by the things I didn't tell her because I feared to. i discovered that I have this tendency to not say the things I think my lovers and my mother do not want to hear. With Charlene I have come to understand that this is not for me to understand. In Islam there is a saying: Speak the truth, no matter how bitter. I've been aiming to live up to those few words and it has not been as easy as it initially seemed. The "no matter how bitter" part is the sticky bit. Anyways, I decided that if I don't trust Charlene with the depth I have been dancing around, who will I trust that way? we've both felt the difference and it's lovely.

I'm still working on the getting work part. I've become a freelance masseuse to make a little extra cash. I go to clients homes. Yesterday was my first day. I had three clients. I give massages for a minimum of one hour. Girl, my whole body is sore today! I had no idea giving someone else a massage for that long worked your BUTT muscles! Whoa. Also, all my clients have been men. Only men responded to my ad, which struck me as odd. I then learned that here "massage" can be a code word for sexual services! whoa! yesterday my first client had paddles, canes and whips lying about in his flat when I got there. yeah. and my last client said "can you make me come?" hmm...yes girl, I can see I'll have plenty of stories by the time I'm done. It does have me thinking about loneliness and how people use their bodies to escape it. The body is such an interesting locus of emotion and spirit. It all manifests, in one or another, through the body.

How is your brand new job??
How goes it with Chris?

Be well my dear! I'm just on the other side of blog land! write write write